"Whose job is it to forgive?"

I'm writing a new story for myself. I see myself as a consistent creative with fire on my fingertips writing my next blog post, but all week I found myself, not forgetting my journal, ignoring my journal- even though it was written on my planner that I would be in bed and writing by 8pm on at least 3 of the nights this past week!

I love sharing with you though that time has not been wasted! I've been meditating daily, the house is staying clean, and I'm feeling fitter than I have in a while! I was finally pulled to my journal after helping my loving hubband get ready for work yesterday morning...

I don't do everything right...

       Sometimes I hold back from saying what it is I really want, putting my happiness aside for the sake of my own idea of what might make some other person happy - Irvin's reminder rings in my ears 'say what you want.'  It gets easier with practice. It really isn't any other person's job to figure it out for me. It is my privilege; my freedom; my pleasure to decide for myself! I feel so much lighter remembering that it isn't my responsibility to figure out what will make anyone else happy either! I feel more comfortable with myself if I can do what makes me happy- and if others find joy or pleasure in their presence with me- GREAT!

I realized this morning that something has been going on in relations to why the house has been so clean and why I haven't been spending the time I'd intended to on my writing. 

Part of my practice is to not ask for anything.-Yes, this may be puzzling after that last paragraph, but please keep in mind the difference between asking and saying.  Why don't I want to ask for anything?  In the teachings of Abraham Hicks, Ester's words remind me that 'everything is always working out for me,' so my idea is that I don't actually need to ask for anything.  I only have to do the work of finding reasons to be happy and deliberate about my intention to be happy and everything that comes into my reality will be something I truly want- whether I knew it or not. Last night, I asked Irvin to wash his dishes before going to bed. We'd decided that we wanted to keep the house clean but I was expecting him to say 'no.' and I got one.

 It was bedtime for us and I love so much that he understands the importance of a good night's rest.  

I'd been bumming out on myself after we'd meet up for sushi earlier because I forgot to ask for his dishes to wash with the others when I got home. I wanted to do them! But when I made him a smoothie this morning his cup was still dirty- I started cleaning it and shot him a look of frustration and disappointment. "Don't look at me with that ugly face," he said.

I apologized immediately and admitted what I'd realized was going on. I didn't want to see the frustration and disappointment I had towards myself for deliberately ignoring my journal, my intention. Who would want to see that face anyway? This reminds me of my teacher, Jayne, asking me, "How do you want to be perceived?" I AM accepting. I AM satisfied. I AM creative in the midst of all the chaos that I create. 

I'm thinking now that this was my strategy for the week.
I'm also accomplishing a lot of what I've been wanting to do; meditating, walking the doggies, keeping the house clean, having fun with my husband, and I'm writing when it feels right!

I forgive myself for finding this challenging! I love myself for finding this opportunity to grow.